It has been a long time coming.  Ever since I saw the movie Waterworld in 1995, I have been waiting for an apparatus to come along that could turn urine into drinkable water.  Oh, Kevin Costner, are you a ruggedly handsome movie star, or a prophet?  Astronauts aboard the International Space Station started drinking their own pee this week, and President Kennedy’s Space Race has truly been won.

Kevin "Nostradamus" Costner in Waterworld

“But wait,” you say, “I want to drink water made from my pee, but I’m not an astronaut.  What can I do?”  Well, fear not, faithful reader, for there is a way for you to get water-pee right here on Earth.  At NASA’s Mission Control in Houston, TX, the ground support team raised their own glasses of water-pee in a toast when the astronauts took there first sip.  That means that NASA has an Earth-based pee-to-water system in Texas.

NASA has a long history of creating new technologies to be used in space.  They created the materials that make up the scratch-resistant lenses found in modern eyeglasses.  Water filters found in many home-purification systems (like the Brita pitcher) were based on predecessors to the pee-to-water system.  And, most importantly, they developed the memory foam that allows you to jump up and down on a Tempur-Pedic bed without spilling your glass of wine.

Impressive. But not as impressive as turning pee into water.

Let’s hope it’s only a matter of time before the pee-to-water machine hits the market.  It will pretty much sell itself, too.  Imagine going to Walmart and seeing shelves packed with products with names like, “P-2-O” and “Urine For A Treat!”  If you’re looking for something classier, you could always go to Brookstone and find a massage chair that will take your urine and turn it into water that is conventiently dispensed from a spigot above a cupholder.  You could watch football without moving for 8 hours, and still stay hydrated!

Is there one man behind this marvelous invention?  A modern-day Jesus who can turn pee to water with a wave of his hand?  I do not know.  All press coverage about the pee-to-water machine attribute it to NASA as an agency, not to one particular man.  How noble of him/her.  To toil in obscurity, to allow people to drink their own pee, to never claim the mantle of fame he/she so rightly deserves.  Were we all so virtuous, the world would be a much better place.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates has proposed drastic cuts to defense spending in areas deemed “conventional warfare,” and increased funding for more “unconventional” programs that will make the military better equipped to handle the dangers of fighting insurgencies and terrorists.  Some members of Congress say that Robert “Fancy-pants” Gates doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.

Bush-appointed Defense Secretary Robert Gates is so good at his job that Obama didn't get rid of him. He obviously doesn't know what he's doing.

The position that Gates is taking is pretty simple:  we have an assload of bombs and nukes that will deter any full-scale conflict like that fought in World War II, so money would be better spent on things like vehicles designed to withstand explosions from improvised road mines that the military encounters in Iraq and Afghanistan.  One of the people opposing this is John Cornyn a Republican Senator from Texas (I don’t know much about Sen. Cornyn, so let’s just assume that he’s white).

Sen. John Cornyn, as painted by Rene Magritte

Cornyn recently gave a speech at the American Enterprise Institute (which, totally unexpectedly, is a conservative policy think-tank), where he warned that China, Russia, North Korea, and Iran posed threats to the United States.  So, let’s take this step by step and see how a conventional war would play out against any of these nations:

1. China:  Seriuosly?  Come on, as I’ve mentioned before, China basically owns half of the United States right now by holding our debt.  China starting a war with the U.S. is like a landlord starting a war with one of his tenants and firebombing his own building.  Nothing to worry about here.
2. Russia:  Russia is a threat to the U.S. the same way that leg-warmers are a threat to fashion.  Both lost all steam in the eighties.  Besides, they’re way too occupied killing journalists who oppose their government and trying to take over Georgia (the country, not the state) and Chechnya.
3. North Korea:  Yes, they are developing nuclear weapons, but their economy has all the viability of a rabid dog.  They just bark a lot and threaten to bite you if you don’t give them food and oil aid packages.  Not to mention that all the money goes into the military while the North Korean people basically starve.  You want to fight a war with North Korea?  Stop sending them food and they’ll give up in a week or two.
4. Iran:  Okay, this one seems kind of like a potential threat.  Until, of course, you actually learn anything about the country.  Yes, they do have a Muslim cleric as their main leader, but when it comes to countries in the Middle East, these guys are the most similar to our Western way of life.  They have some of the finest universities in the world, they are very sophisticated, and a few years time could see them being out best buddies.  The U.S.-Iran relationship right now is like the beginning of a romantic comedy.  At first we hate each other, but after a few horrible dates, some Julia Roberts, a dash of Meg Ryan, and a tearful reunion in an airport just as she’s about to get on the plane, we’ll be together for life.

U.S.-Iran relations are kind of like this, but are we the businessman or the whore? Time will tell.

So that does it.  Cornyn is talking out of his ass because my analytical skills just shot down his entire argument.  The scariest thing, though, is that my points are probably based on more solid facts and reasoning than his, because he’s worried that the $255,920,123,107 awarded to defense contractors in Texas from 2000-2008 might dry up.

In a story 2,000 years in the making, the Catholic Church has officially abandoned all semblance of consistency and reason.  Many thought that the Church had adopted this position in the year 1633, when famed astronomer went to trial for heresy for championing the idea that Earth revolved around the Sun.  The Church, instead of recognizing that such a fact would actually further their contention that God was the ultimate power in the universe, instead said that Galileo was silly and then threw him in jail.

If Galileo was a heretic in the 1600s and is now a celebrated scientist, does that mean Britney Spears will be considered an incredible composer and lyricist in the year 2409?

The first part of the Church’s reversal on “that whole consistency thing” came in the form of Robert W. Finn, a Bishop in Missouri.  He said that anybody who was pro-choice was under the influence of Satan.  Then, he said that Notre Dame, the Catholic university that rose to national fame after being featured in the inspiring football movie Rudy, was to be condemned for inviting pro-choice President Obama to deliver the commencement address and receive and honorary degree.  He didn’t explicitly say that those who invited Obama or the President himself were under the influence of Satan, but you can’t drop a bomb like that and expect people to forget about it when you start your next sentence.  Needless to say, protests and picket lines ensued.

To put this in terms we can all understand, volleyball terminology, the act of abortion is the “bump,” Bishop Finn’s statement was the “set,” and who should deliver the “spike?”  None other than the Holy Father himself, the master of disaster, the Ayatollah of Rock-n-Rolla (okay, that one was in bad taste), Pope Benedict XVI.  You see, Pope Benny (as he is known to his close friends and Cardinals), is making a tour of the Middle East right now.  He was in Jordan today and he said, ““the ideological manipulation of religion, sometimes for political ends [was often] the real catalyst for tension and division, and at times even violence in society.”

These two are kind of like the Catholic Church, only without the funny hats

So, for those keeping score at home, we have the Catholic Church using the ideologies of religion to foment protest and dissent in the political arena, and then we have the Pope saying that doing exactly that is bad.  I know what you’re thinking, but wait, it gets better.

Back in the 1960s, the Second Vatican Council (which, like the Godfather movies, avoided the sequel jinx and was better than the first) said that a service known as the Tridentine Mass would become optional and not mandatory in churches.  What makes this particular form of Mass so controversial?  It explicity prays for all Jews to recognize Jesus and convert to Christianity.  Pope Benedict is trying to bring it back.  And he’s going to Israel on Monday.  Boy is his face going to be red when he realizes that there are a lot of Jews there.

"If this place is full of Jews, I'll stop wearing my red cowboy hat!" - And so ended one of the Pope's many headwear experiments

So, at this point, there’s really not much left for me to say.  I only wish I had thought all this stuff up a few years back and sold the story to Hollywood.  Yes, people would have been able to guess the ending a few minutes into the movie, but I figured out how Transformers was going to end pretty early on, too, and that still made mad money at the box office.

These are tough times and there is little to laugh about.  The once rosy future, a mere glimpse of which would incite whimsical grins, has been replaced by a barren hell-scape where the venerable financial institutions of old have been turned into merciless zombies, roaming the land with an unquenchable thirst for bailouts brains.  But there is one man of selflessly puts the needs of his countrymen in front of his own, deposed governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich.

Rod Blagojevich- He's even more charming in color.

And what has our darling Rod done now in his quest to keep the American populace happy?  Well, without any regard for his own well-being, Rod tried to travel to a jungle in Costa Rica so that he could participate in the latest edition of the hit mildly successful reality show I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! But, the federal judge who will be presiding over Mr. Blagojevich’s upcoming corruption trial, who will be heretofore referred to as Judge Buzzkill, apparently thought that he shouldn’t be allowed out of the country.

Judge Buzzkill - He disapproves of constitutional violations, defendants participating in reality TV shows, and dancing.

Rod just wanted to help out.  When all the cable news channels are talking about financial doom and gloom, Rod just wanted to give people a taste of Costa Rican jungle hijinks.  Is that so wrong?  And if Rod happened to be crowned “King of the Jungle” and take home a cool $123,000, that’d just be gravy.  In fact, you know what, I just realized that Rod being on this reality show would actually help the economy.  Hear me out…

First, Rod goes on the TV show.  There is no way that with his hair he will lose.  I mean, come on.  Look at that shock of perfectly-groomed beautiful on top of his head.  In a jungle, he could use that as insulation, a make-shift shelter, a rainwater collector, and fishing line.  And, he’d still have plenty of hair left to form a wistful part that says, “I may be wearing a suit, but I’m really an alright guy.”  Who could possibly beat him?  Fellow contestant Heidi Montag from MTV’s The Hills? (Seriously, though, the word “celebrity” is in the title of the show, so what’s she doing there?)

Perfectly coiffed hairdo, or stylish motorcycle helmet? Either way, it'll protect his brain in a high-speed collision.

So once Rod takes home his prize, he’ll be back in the States just in time for his corruption trial proceedings to get underway.  And if he loses (considering how much he cares for this country, he may plead guilty just to free up the court system for the rest of us), guess what money he’s going to pay to the government as a fine?  Reality show money.

What Judge Buzzkill and all the other squares fail to realize is that Rod isn’t some sort of troubled politician who tries to sell important legislative appointments for top dollar, he’s really just trying to help us all out.  He’s a lot like the Fonz from Happy Days.  Sure, the Fonz may have seemed like a rebel because he wore tight jeans and a leather jacket, but if you ever needed help, who would jump some sharks on waterskis in order to help you out?

Rod Blagojevich, that's who.

All across the nation, there were Tea Parties held on April 15th, the tax deadline.  These gatherings were meant to be a symbolic re-enactment of the famous 1773 Boston Tea Party.  The spontaneous, grassroots, Fox News-orchestrated events were supposed to be a way for Americans to vent their frustrations at government spending.  Too bad none of the participants bothered to open up a history book, or else they would realize how dumb they were being.

You see, the original Boston Tea Party was all about that phrase “no taxation without representation.”  Those limey, royalist punks over in England were levying a tax on the American colonies, but weren’t giving the colonists representation in the government.  The colonists weren’t protesting taxes (they paid taxes to their local legislative bodies), but rather taxes that provided no tangible return.  The irony is that the right wingers who created these protests have a long and storied history of taking the people’s money and spending it willy-nilly while the people languished.

"If I paid attention in history class, maybe I'd realize that this whole thing doesn't make sense." - Kid who can't fight back that I am picking on

One of the biggest protests was at Lafayette Park, across from the White House.  Let’s clarify here:  the protesters assembled in a park (paid for and maintained by tax dollars) in order to protest the use of tax dollars.  That’s the logical equivalent of standing on your oven and protesting that you have no way to cook your Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

Totino's Pizza Rolls: Now with no grasp of the implications of symbolic protests!

Way back in the 1770s, there weren’t many beverage choices, so people were kind of forced to drink tea if they wanted something that didn’t have that pond water-taste.  That’s one of the things that made the Tea Tax so bad, there wansn’t a choice.  But who drinks tea anymore, besides old ladies and foppish grad students?  Nobody.  Now that there’s choice, people drink other stuff.  Okay, let’s apply that to politics:  now that there’s choice (our own elected officials), there is no valid reason to protest.  You don’t like what the government is doing?  Vote next time.  Hey there Republicans, don’t like the way Democrats spend money?  Well, try fielding a viable presidential candidate who doesn’t pick a semi-retarded moose hunter as a running mate and you’ll have a better shot at being in charge.

She seemed like such a good candidate...until she talked

Just one final little tidbit from a New York Times article about the Tea Parties:  “Gov. Jon Huntsman Jr. of Utah, a Republican, was booed in Salt Lake City for accepting about $1.5 billion in federal stimulus money.”  Really?  So the guy took taxpayer money and was then going to use it to help out-of-work taxpayers get jobs and aid?  The nerve of that duly-elected representative of the people of Utah.

President Barack Obama and his family, despite having ascended to the White House, are still pretending to be Christian.  As Fox News and talk radio hosts informed the American people during the recent election cycle, Barack Obama is in fact a secret Muslim, but he is really sticking to his cover by celebrating Easter.

The President attended an Easter service at St. John’s Episcopal Church in Washington, D.C. today, and sat in pew 54.  That pew has traditionally been reserved for the various heads of state who have worshipped there stretching back to the time of James Madison.  But, while the other Presidents who attended mass at the church were Christian, Obama has broken that tradition.  All the proof is in the pew number.  5 plus 4 is 9, and 5 multiplied by 4 is twenty, minus that 9 and you get 11.  9/11.  Coincidence?  Most definitely not.

Easter Bunny, or al-Qaeda sleeper cell terrorist? You be the judge.

Even more telling is this quote from the above linked article:  “Before the service, the president meticulously scanned the program.”  Oh, really, Mr. President?  Well, if you were a Christian then you would know what goes on at an Easter service and wouldn’t need to read ahead.  Real Christians know that the Easter service begins with some readings from the Bible, there’s some candle lighting thrown in the middle, the pastor talks about living by Jesus’ teachings in everyday life, more candles are lit, and then you leave.  Familiarity with the service is usually best displayed by napping quietly in one of the pews at the back.

How lifelong Christians act at church.

The president’s Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, quickly pointed out that the fact that Obama attended Easter service at St. John’s did not meean he would be worshipping there on a regular basis.  Well, obviously.  Obama is currently in the process of converting the White House’s bowling lane into a mosque, where he will lay down a prayer mat, face Mecca, and praise the teachings of the One True God as told by his holy prophet Muhammed.

Pictured: President Nixon bowling at the White House. Not Pictured: George McGovern tied spread-eagle further down the lane.

And the best part of all of this is that the regular members of the church’s congregation had to go through the Secret Service in order get into the church, and the church’s rector didn’t even find out the president was coming until yesterday.  If Obama was really smart he would simply say that his presence would be a burden on the regular parishioners of whichever church he might choose as his regular place of worship.  So as not to inconvenience those people, he could say that he wasn’t going to church anymore.  That’s what a real Christian would have done, as it is a documented fact that any adult Christian male will do anything to get out of going to church, especially on holidays like Easter where the parking lot is going to be really full and crowded.

Here’s the second preview article from FakeSportsNews.com, which will be launching shortly.  Written by two of the co-founders, Dan O’Brien and Adam Chaney, this article explores what happens when a star infielder for the Boston Red Sox fully embraces his hobbies off the field.

Despite having a MVP and World Series trophy to his credit, the most important piece of hardware in Dustin Pedroia’s trophy room might be his recently earned merit badge in Archery.  Earlier this week in an interview upon his return to Fenway Park, the Boston Red Sox’s all star second baseman, when asked about becoming a leader in the clubhouse, stated enthusiastically that many of his leadership skills were acquired not just from veterans such as Mike Lowell and Jason Varitek, but surprisingly enough from his “lifelong and still active participation in scouting.”  When questioned further the sprightly infielder commented, “I had to suspend my service to the scouts at 13 [years] because of the demands of little league but between the offseason and home stands I can find time to get out with the boys and work on becoming an Eagle Scout before the 2010 season.”

Pictured: 7 Cub Scouts valiantly trying to win a tug of war. Not Pictured: Dustin Pedroia lounging in lawn chair, rope in one hand, beer in the other.

Despite being 25, Pedroia is not too old to still be earning merit badges.  Due to a loop hole in the Scout Constitution, a scout can suspend his service without resigning or being dishonorably discharged, and reenlist for the amount of time you would have had till you turned 18.  The legislation was originally passed during the First World War for scouts who were sent off to fight prior to achieving Eagle Scout status.  Pedroia’s troop 845 took a trip to Massachusetts historical site Sturbridge Village earlier last month and enjoyed an afternoon of insect identification in the western part of the state’s Berkshires Mountains last week.

It would seem that being able to read a map and find directions to a certain house are not skills that are required of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officers.  Five armed and armored ICE officers in San Luis, Arizona went out on a raid one day last July to pick up a dangerous illegal immigrant, but they went to the wrong house and ended up illegally searching the residence of an innocent man who just happened to be their co-worker.

James Slaughter is an ex-Marine who works as a Customs Officer at the San Luis land port.  His rank while he was in the service isn’t listed in the above-linked article, so I am forced to assume that he was a Sergeant.  The reason that I assume this is because there is no way that his commanding officers wouldn’t realize the awesomeness potential of being able to say at the Officer’s Club, “Hey, do you know who is in my unit?  Sgt. Slaughter, that’s who!”

Sergeant Slaughter: Guarding land ports and sternly wagging his finger since 1979.

Okay, so Sgt. Slaughter and his wife are just sitting at home, enjoying the day, then five ICE officers show up to search the house.  They have guns and body armor.  Mrs. Slaughter thinks it’s a joke and asks if they’re on Candid Camera and the lead officer says that no, they’re not on some stupid show that nobody has referenced in the past decade, the officers are there to search the house.  Mrs. Slaughter, who apparently lacks the Slaughter-ific abilities of her husband, let the guys with the guns do what they wanted.  That’s when Sgt. Slaughter got involved.

“Look fellas, do you guys realize that I’m a U.S. Customs K-9 officer at the San Luis land port?” is what he said.  It seems that Slaughter is mellowing with age, because if this had happened at Wrestlemania in 1984, he probably would have slammed them with a chair and then insulted them to the adoring cheers of thousands of rednecks.

If Sgt. Slaughter had been in charge, that whole Elian Gonzalez thing would have gone down differently. And by differently, I mean no guns and bigger biceps.

When faced by the menacing authority of Sgt. Slaughter and his mustache, the ICE officers backed down.  Then they decided to look at the address where they were supposed to go.  Slaughter lives on East 26th Street (I would have expected him to live on Pain Avenue or Body Slam Terrace), and the guy they were after lives on East 26th Place.  Some guys would have accepted that sometimes Immigration makes mistakes, but Slaughter doesn’t let things slide, so he sued them.

Yep, he sued the Department Of Homeland Security for violating his Fourth Amendment Rights, and he wants $500,000.  Normally when the subject of an immigration raid tries to take legal action against the DHS, they end up in a CIA prison in Romania, but there’s not a single ICE officer with gonads big enough to take on Sgt. Slaughter, and there isn’t a prison in the world that could handle his fury.

The man had his own G.I. Joe character, and the cartoon version's arms had to be toned down from from their original size in order to fit on the TV screen. The DHS didn't have a G.I. Joe character.

So, it’s all in the hands of the Federal Court System now, but one thing can be said for sure:  unless the judge hearing his case is Cobra Commander, Sgt. Slaughter is going to get what he wants.

Over the past 50 years, the Detroit Lions football team has only had 16 winning seasons, but that’s all part of the plan according to a statement released by the franchise’s management.  After the departure of all-star quarterback Bobby Layne in 1958, the Lions went on a losing streak.  At first, the owners were worried about the future of the once-victorious team, but in 1974, inspiration struck.

That inspiration was the infamous “Rumble In The Jungle” boxing match between Muhammad Ali and then-World Heavyweight Champion George Foreman.  In that fight, Ali adopted the “Rope-a-Dope” strategy, whereby he assumed a protective stance and allowed himself to take numerous punches from Foreman.  Foreman then tired himself out, leaving himself open to a vicious counter-attack by Ali.  After seeing that fight, the Lions’ owners knew what they had to do.

Standing: Detriot Lions 2009. Falling: The rest of the NFL.

“It was all so simple,” recalls Rick Forzano, Lions head coach from 1974-1976.  “All we had to do was fool the rest of the NFL into thinking that we were a horrible team for fifty years, then they would be tired and we’d show them that it was all a clever ruse.”  The rest, as they say, is history.

For the most part, the strategy worked perfectly, but there were tense moments.  In 1991, for example, the team made it to the play-offs and, despite their best efforts, managed to beat the Dallas Cowboys 38-6 in the Divisional Playoff game.  The Lions quickly got their act together and lost in the next round 41-10 to the Washington Redskins.

The Plan In Action: Detroit Lion Shaun McDonald gets tackled by Dallas Cowboy Terence Newman

“That was a real close one,” says Barry Sanders, star running back of the team from 1989 to 1998.  “I kept trying to get tackled, but it was like they couldn’t catch me no matter how slow I went.  Eventually, I had the team doctors inject novacaine into my legs so that I would be a sitting duck for all the linebackers.”

In the 2008 season, the Lions’ strategy finally reached the final step when the team achieved a 0-16 record.  “It’s been a long road,” says team co-owner William Clay, Sr., “but after the 2008 season, everybody has been completely lulled into submission.  Nobody is going to expect anything from us after losing every game in 2008.  The dope has been roped.”

"0-16 in 2008? The plan worked, mother f**ker! Now you're mine!" - Detroit Lions

To prepare for the 2009 season, the Lions hired head coach Jim Schwartz, marking the first time in 50 years that a coach had been chosen for his ability to win instead of his ability to keep the clandestine strategy in line.  When informed of the rope-a-dope the Lions had pulled off, Schwartz was reported as saying, “They’ve been losing for 50 years on purpose?  Do they realize that teams get a rest between seasons and games so they won’t be tired out for 2009?”  Upon hearing this, Mr. Clay’s smile disappeared and he cursed under his breath.

This story is a preview of the upcoming FakeSportsNews.com, which will go live in a few weeks.  Check back next Saturday for a guest contribution to this blog from two of the FakeSportsNews.com founders!

A great victory has been achieved, comrades.  A vile threat to the safety of Mother Russia has been neutralized by the righteous hand of Justice.  And by Justice, I of course mean a group of men with a propensity towards violence, and by vile threat, I mean human rights advocate Mr. Lev A. Ponomaryov.

Mr. Ponomaryov has long been a critic of the Kremlin and its leader President Dmitri Medvedev Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.  Ponomaryov is the leader of the Moscow-based For Human Rights organization and is one of the leaders of the oppositional political movement Solidarity.  This traitor to the glorious motherland had been previously warned that his activities were dangerous to the prosperity of the nation.  The warning was delivered in the traditional non-violent way, by slashing the tires of his car (that’s true, not a joke).

"In Soviet Russia, Human Rights beats You!" - Yakov Smirnoff (if you are too young to get that reference, ask your parents. Or try reading a book for once)

In the above-linked story, the New York Times makes a grave error:  “Many see a concerted campaign of intimidation that is the result of years of government efforts to portray independent groups as traitors to Russia.”  Did you catch it?  Russia is not trying to portray these groups as traitors, they are exposing them for what they really are.  In this case, the Kremlin is the whistle-blower who is bringing attention to the evils that have corrupted the beautiful Siberian Paradise, exposing the snakes that offer the poisonous red apple of human rights to the unsuspecting virgin Eve that is the proud Russian people.  One is forced to wonder whether the New York Times is planning to overthrow the Russian government in order to institute Maureen Dowd as the new President of the United States of Russia.

Maureen Dowd: Respected newspaper columnist or future iron-fisted leader of a democratic Russian republic? You be the judge.

For those who are concerned that these upstart human rights activists will destroy Mother Russia, there is something you can do to help turn the tide.  Rise up out of your chair, emerge from your house and greet the freedom of the sunlight, walk down the avenues of freedom, and enter a liquor store and buy some vodka.  Return to your home and drink all of that vodka (why not start on the walk back?).  Then, just let the government take care of everything.

"Just drink this and let us take care of everything. We won't do anything morally questionable. Honest." - Kremlin

Financial markets are collapsing and the job market is shrinking, so young people are doing the only sensible thing:  trying to work for the government.  A lot of these young people are saying that President Obama has made public service cool and that has inspired them to sign up.  So, Obama makes it cool to work for the government, and then it just so happens that his economic plans make it possible for a lot of young people to get hired by the government.  Coincidence?  I think not.

It is a well known fact that all important descisions made about the welfare of the world are decided by a group of five well-connected Illuminati members who live under a mountain on an island somewhere in the Pacific (attribution needed).  These people selected Obama to be President because he was cool and would lure unsuspecting youth to work for the government, thereby extending the control of the group.  This is an old strategy that has been used to swell the henchmen ranks of James Bond villains for years, and now it is attacking the youth of America.

Ernst Stavro Blofeld: The Barack Obama of James Bond Villains

Even more damning is a certain passage from the above linked article:  “The government lacks hard data to measure how much progress it is making in attracting college-age applicants.”  Lacks the data, or intentionally destroys it so that an investigation into this cult-like system would become lost in a bureaucratic labyrinth?  I’m on to you, Washington Post.

One of the agencies benefitting from this upswell of applicants is the CIA.  If kids keep going to work for the government, then the CIA might actually be able to finally have a competent team of analysts who can read Arabic and make accurate assessments of other cultures, and that is not what the CIA is all about.  The CIA is all about making vague security statements about impending threats and then placing them on the desks of those in power.  Those in power then wipe their backsides with the reports.  This long-held system allows both parties to operate with impunity:  the CIA can say that they did their best to alert the executive branch, and the executive branch can say that they weren’t able to read the reports because of all the fecal matter spread on it.  This delicate balance must not be upset!

What, did you think all those dark smudges were made by a black marker?

There’s one final issue that must be addressed:  if the government is flooded with young, capable job applicants, then the government might actually begin to function efficiently and expediently.  If this happens, then there will be nothing left for candidates to political office to complain about.  Can you imagine how much more boring that would make already-boring campaign debates?

"I completely disagree with my opponents assertion that there should be two types of pizza at the post-debate dinner. There should be three."

This country is founded on the fact that governments aren’t able to sufficiently provide for their nation’s people, necessitating the regular replacement of top government officials.  If government programs actually start working, then the entire populace will be lulled into complacency, and those five Illuminati members who control the world will have free rein to implement their most radical agendas, which will be carried out without the slightest hitch…

Soylent Ice Cream: It's made out of people! They're making our food out of people!

The year was 2003.  It was a simpler time.  A more innocent time.  A time where school officials could strip search a 13-year-old girl because they suspected that she had ibuprofen pills hidden somewhere on her body.  Ah, the good old days.

When you think drugs in schools, you immediately think of eighth-graders carrying perscription-strength ibuprofen pills, each one about the equivalent of two Advils.  And when that image comes into your mind, you strike at those evil-doers who would dare attempt to vanquish their headache, flaunting their school’s antidrug policies.  How dare that schoolgirl, who describes herself as “between nerdy and preppy,” want to have a clear head in order to be diligent in her lessons and advance onto higher levels of education.  Insolence such as that will not be tolerated.  That girl will be strip searched and forced to stand naked before the school nurse and an administrator!

Kind of like this, only a violation of Constitutional liberties.

So how did this incident come about?  Well, the girl in question used to be friends with this other girl.  This other girl was found with pills and blamed the first girl.  Because a 13-year-old will never lie in order to get out of trouble, school officials logically proceeded to humiliate the first girl, in accordance with school policy.

"I swear, Jiminy, those pills aren't mine. Please disregard my nose."

Of course, this wasn’t the first time that the girl had been causing trouble.  A few months before, the girl had been acting rowdy at a school dance and goofing off with her friends (the nerve), and had served alcohol at a party before that dance (according to somebody who wasn’t even there).  So, the school officials had all the justification they needed.  Then the bomb dropped.

Apparently the people at this school who ordered the search weren’t aware that kids and their parents were allowed to bring lawsuits against the school system if their actions were considered to be heinous and criminal.  Apparently the Civics teach wasn’t involved in the strip search.

"Remember everybody, don't forcefully strip search a 13-year-old girl on the unfounded allegation that she might be carrying drugs. Unless she's into that sort of thing."

So now, the embarrassed girl, backed by the ACLU, is going before the Supreme Court.  One of the tenets of the lawsuit is that the school didn’t even check the girls record to see if she had a history of problems, which she didn’t.  The district, in a reply to that allegation said this (and yes, this is an actual quote):  “Her assertion should not be misread to infer that she never broke school rules, only that she was never caught.”  It would appear that every textbook in that school and lawbook in the district attorney’s office was missing the phrase “innocent until proven guilty.”  Completely understandable oversight.

Grave news out of Carson City, Nevada.  A 220-year-old prison in the city, the oldest in the nation and also older than the state of Nevada, may be closing in order to save the state $18 million per year.  This is part of disturbing trend across the country where both prisons and parole programs are coming under scrutiny for excessive cost.  If we keep this up, we may lose our worldwide lead on incarceration per capita, and that cannot be allowed to happen.

Currently, one of every 31 people in the United States is either in prison, on parole, or under probation.  It’s been a long road, but we’ve managed as a country to turn over three percent of our population into criminals, and I’ll be damned if these yellow-bellied accountants let these dangerous people out of prison.  After all, it’s not like the majority of prison inmates are non-violent drug offenders or people who violated ridiculously arcane technicalities of their parole (disclosure: in California the largest percentage of inmates are those who violated ridiculously arcane technicalities of their parole).

We even sent Martha Stewart to jail. Why? Well, that's just what we do here.

I don’t think that the people considering closing these prisons take into account what will happen to the job market.  First of all, running prisons costs states about $48 billion a year and employs a lot of people.  What happens to all those Corrections Officers when prisons get shut down?  And what about all the released inmates who will then want to find jobs?  There are only so many positions open at local fast food restaurants and the market for authentic prison tattoos has dried up since gangsta rap stopped being relevant.

When Asian girls wearing berets get "Thug Life" tattoos, you know the gesture has lost all meaning.

This cash crunch isn’t just affecting the prison systems of liberal states, though.  Even capital punishment stalwarts like Kentucky and Kansas are starting to redraft their incarceration and parole regulations in order to cut costs.  I never thought I’d live to see the day when Kentucky showed any sort of pity or leniency to inmates, regardless of the motivating factors.  Hell has certainly frozen over.

Don’t get too discouraged, though.  If we follow trends, things are looking good.  For example:

This graph shows that around 1980 the rate of prisoners sky-rocketed.  Some say this is because of anti-drug laws that mandated harsh prison sentences for non-violent offenders.  I say it was because all the criminals who had ever gotten away realized that nobody messes with Reagan and turned themselves in.

If we can manage to continue this trend, we could have a full ten percent of the population locked up within a few decades.  That would not only secure our lead in the incarceration per capita race, but also ease our image in the Middle East.  After all, if we lock up one in ten of our own people, then abducting and secretly holding a few Afghani cab drivers for 8 years doesn’t seem all that bad.

In a proposal sent to the White House, the Environmental Protection Agency said that global warming and greenhouse gas emissions pose a threat to the public welfare.  This finding is completely unprecedented and comes as a complete surprise to the people who have never seen An Inconvenient Truth.  What many find surprising is how quickly the EPA acted to rule greenhouse gases hazardous, expecting the agency to take at least another five years of dilly-dallying before actually doing something.

This new finding is meeting resistance from, hold onto your hats, big business.  And rightly so.  As Bill Kovacs, a member of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce said, this finding means that “some environmental groups will sue to make sure it is applied to all aspects of the Clean Air Act.”  How dare they!  Environmentalists have had it too good for too long, and now they might start suing to make sure that air remains clean?  I say start printing all court documents on asbestos and then we’ll see how many court actions those treehuggers initiate.

The EPA just brought us one step closer to Tree Marriage in California.

Furthermore, Mr. Kovacs goes on to say that the EPA’s new finding, if accepted, would subject every single project funded by the Stimulus Bill to environmental review.  Being eco-friendly is all well and good when there’s a healthy economy, but once the stock market drops, people stop caring.  Ask some out of work person if they want either a job immediately, or the faint promise of a job in six to eight months, assuming that a project can pass environmental review, and what do you think they’ll say?

Now, there are some who say that this finding will actually increase employment because the new measures would essentially create a brand new industry devoted to the retrofitting of other industries to comply with the new greenhouse gas standards.  I say nonsense!  Our ancestors made it by just fine by burning coal willy-nilly and driving cars with tailpipes dirtier than a Tijuana hooker.  And if it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for us.

Okay, this pipe may not be as dirty as a Tijuana hooker, but the size is about right. Zing.

Basically, right now the American people have a choice:  either breath easy financially; or breath easy in the sense that your lungs will take in air without too much trouble.  It can’t be both, and when’s the last time your lungs ponied up cash for rent?

Donald Moten just might be the coolest principal ever.  He definitely puts the PAL in princiPAL.  Assuming, of course, that PAL stands for Pain And Lots of it.  When you got into an argument with somebody while you were attending South Oak Cliff High School, you didn’t just get a simple reprimand.  You see, South Oak Cliff was Moten’s turf, and on Moten’s turf, that girly shit just don’t play.  If you got a problem, you get in the cage and settle it like a man.

Home Ec. Class at South Oak Cliff High School

Let’s just get one little piece of information out in the open:  South Oak Cliff High School is part of the Dallas Independent School District.  This is Texas, so just be happy that the Special Education Students weren’t put into an electric chair.

Okay, now on to the important stuff.  One of the school’s employees overheard the principal saying, “put ’em in the cage and let them duke it out.”  Let’s analyze that for a moment.  First of all, Moten must have had balls of steel to casually mention putting children into a cage for the sole purpose of violence in front of other members of the staff.  Second of all, he said “the” cage, meaning that this would have had to happen often enough that the person to whom he was speaking would not have to clarify and say something like, “The cage?  What the f**k are you talking about?”

"Yes, that kind of cage. What other kind is there?"

There is even a report that a student was overheard saying that he was “gonna be in the cage.”  This wasn’t too much of a secret, then.  I wonder what sort of offenses would be necessary before you ended up in the cage.  Is there one thing that pushes you over the edge from regular detention to a cage fight?

"I've had enough of you two, and that argument over who gets the last chicken nuggets in the lunch line was just too much. The winner gets the nuggets, the loser gets detention. And by detention, I mean another cage fight."

Moten is also accused of trying to bully teachers into giving student athletes good grades so that they could play in big games for the 2005 and 2006 basketball championships.  Investigators were looking into this when they figured out the whole cage fighting thing.  Most people would reprimand Mr. Moten for his behavior, but he should be offered congratulations.  This man ran an underground cage fighting ring in a high school, populated it with unwilling students, and got away with it for years.  Let’s put this guy in charge of Congress and see what happens.

In what is an awesome premise to a horrible Jean Claude Van Damme movie, German police are unable to arrest a suspect in a robbery.  Why?  Because he has an identical twin, who has the same DNA and fingerprints, making it impossible for forensic evidence to say exactly who committed the crime.  This is perhaps the sweetest news to come out of Germany since the announcement that they would take the freakiness level of their porn to an even higher level.

Let’s be clear on one thing.  This wasn’t a petty crime.  This wasn’t like when these twins were kids and one would say, “No mom, I didn’t eat that cookie, it was him,” and the other would say, “Uh-uh!  It was him.  Check the DNA on the cookie jar!” and then the mother would pour herself a tall glass of vodka.  No, this was a crime for the ages:  millions of dollars worth of watches and jewelry.  It’s kind of like if Ocean’s Eleven was actually Oceans’s Twenty-Two.

One of these two stole millions of dollars. The other is a man. Choose wisely.

Abbas O., 27, or his twin brother, Hassan O., age unknown, committed this crime with at least two other men in late January.  German police recovered a glove on the scene and were able to get forensic evidence that implicated one of the brothers.  First of all, Abbas and Hassan?  What kind of German names are those?  Why can’t it be Gunther and Gustav?  That’d be cooler.  Also, there was a glove with forensic evidence?  That sounds familiar…

"Your Honor, these gloves belong to my twin, Apple Juice. I swear." - OJ

Now that I think about it, this news doesn’t come as a huge surprise.  What surprises me is that there haven’t been tons of cases like this in the past.  If I had a twin (and if the authorities ask me about occurrences on the night of February the 22nd, I most certainly do, and he’s evil), I’d be breaking laws left and right.

But if I had this kind of twin, I'd either kill myself or the twin, depending on which one I was.

I guess the bottom line is that I think it’d be nice to have more twin-related shenanigans taking place in real life, instead of on the movie screen.  The possibilities are endless.

A federal judge on the United States District Court ruled yesterday to block a regulation allowing people to carry concealed weapons in wildlife refuges and national parks.  While many see this as a victory for the anti-gun lobby, it is in fact a major coup by the pro-animal mauling lobby.  The main contributor to the pro-animal mauling lobby is the reality show When Animals Attack.

An eleventh-hour rule placed by the Bush administration took effect in January allowed people to carry concealed and loaded weapons in national parks.  While there is no word as to the legality of carrying of concealed but unloaded weapons, there is no doubt that the suspension of this rule will lead an increase in incidents of animal attacks.  This news is, of course, awesome.

The only reason that man is not dead is that he is strapped with a Glock 9mm.

For far too long, hippies and anti-gun hiking enthusiasts were the only ones being mauled to death by the myriad wild predators that prowl our nation’s national parks.  The ruling on this measure ensures that animal attacks will take on that most praised American ideal:  democracy.  Now, every man, woman, and child, will have equal opportunity to receive a bear claw to the face.  And oh how they will wish that the bear claw was a pastry instead of a sharp, furry harbinger of death.

The Interior Department has until April 20th to make a decision on the rule and plan a future course of action.  One can only assume that Fox will be running When Animals Attack and Wow, Those People Are Really Dumb When It Comes To Determining A Potential Threat Posed By Mother Nature (aka WTPARDWICTDAPTPBMN) on a continuous loop.  Once the officials of the Interior Department see how morbidly entertaining it is to watch a one-legged Panamanian immigrant try to outrun a wolf, they are sure to approve the court’s decision.

The image that inspired this artist's rendering is far too awesome for the average person to safely comprehend.

A spokeswoman for Ken Salazar, the Interior Secretary, said that Mr. Salazar’s office had no comment on the decision.  She then said she had to check on YouTube for a video she heard about where a monkey bites off a man’s ear.

President Barack Obama recently announced that he would be lifting the federal bans on stem cell research funding that had been put in place during the Bush administration.  A mere three days later, the Georgia state legislature began the process of making the Bush-era restrictions part of the state law.  When cancer is finally cured, Georgia’s face is going to be so red!The Georgia Senate, which has a Republican majority, passed a bill that “bans therapeutic cloning and the creation of embryos for any purpose other than procreation.”  While this measure will certainly please anti-abortion lobbies, it is really going to piss off the psychiatrists in charge of rehabilitating mad scientists who participate in therapeutic cloning of embryos as a way to manage their stress.  But seriously, what is therapeutic cloning?  I have no idea and couldn’t be bothered to research it, so I can only assume it looks like the photo below:

Not Pictured: Anything Remotely Interesting

What makes this all even better is that the city of Atlanta is set to host an international biotechnology summit in May that will be comprised of 20,000 of the world’s leading scientists.  Essentially, they are saying that these scientists are involved in a morally wrong practice, but as long as they’ve got money to spend at the Downtown Atlanta Marriot, then that’s cool.

Not satisfied with that level of crazy, the Georgia Right To Life organization wanted the bill to be even more restrictive, including the limiting of embryos used for women undergoing fertility treatments.  Just to clarify, the Georgia Right To Life organization wanted to limit women’s ability to produce more life.  And if they had just one embryo too many, these women could have faced criminal charges.

Georgia Right To Life: We're not your average, run-of-the-mill, crazy!

There is only one proper action to be taken at this point:  cut off Georgia from all modern medicine.  Now, I know this seems harsh, but it is necessary.  First of all, if these people don’t want to go through with the research needed to develop cures and treatments for debilitating diseases, they should not be able to benefit from them.  Second, the Coca-Cola Company is based in Georgia, and American waistlines are getting too big to be guzzling any more soda.  They need to be stopped.

The Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy was in the works for 17 years before it was released.  Many were disappointed in the album because it sucked.  For those diehard Guns N’ Roses fans who couldn’t believe that a washed-up Axl Rose could produce such a steaming turd pile, there is now vindication.  Kevin Cogill, of Los Angeles, uploaded nine of the album’s fourteen tracks prior to release, relieving the band of any responsibility for the quality of the music.

And what is suitable punishment for the man who destroyed the band responsible for “November Rain” and “Paradise City”?  Federal prosecutors say six months in prison and a $371,622 fine.  I think that is far too lenient.  I say that Cogill should be sentenced to death citing the clause in the first track of Appetite For Destruction: “You’re in the jungle, baby.  You’re gonna die!”  This specific clause clarifies previous lines in the track which stated: “I, I wanna hear you scream!” and “My, my, my serpentine.”  The only logical legal opinion to arise from these clauses is that Mr. Cogill should be eaten alive by a snake.

This awaits those / who defy Axl Rose ... Damn, that was a better lyric than anything on the album.

I know what you’re thinking.  “$371,622?  That doesn’t seem right.”  Well, you are correct, this figure is a bit off.  That’s why in this court filing the Recording Industry Association of America places the total damages at $2.2 million.  I’m not so sure about this number, though.  Guns N’ Roses was a great band who showed us just how powerful the tandem of an alcoholic singer and even-more alcoholic, top hat-wearing guitarist can be.  Is there a price to be put on such an experience?  Yes there is, and it’s a hell of a lot higher than $2.2 million!

Use Your Illusion I: $10.99. Use Your Illusion II: $10.99. The illusion that Guns N' Roses is still relevant: Priceless.

Mr. Cogill is scheduled to be sentenced on May 4th.  Until that date, and in the interest of justice, I hope that Mr. Cogill is being held in solitary confinement for his own protection.  Also, the corrections officers who escort Mr. Cogill to and from the courthouse should be on the look out for people whose hair went out of style 15 years ago and are wearing black leather jackets with black jeans and a black t-shirt.  These people may try to seek revenge on Mr. Cogill for ruining the band Guns N’ Roses, but, as proven earlier, his life belongs to that snake.

The day we have all been dreaming about for decades is fast approaching.  No longer will we have to censor our cartoons to not have depictions of the Propheth Mohammed (until that day, though, I say all glory to his holy name).  No longer will we need to take part in unnecessary wars.  No longer will our news casters need to figure out the correct pronunciation of names that aren’t derived from European languages (I still say that we should just call Iran’s president Johnny No-Tie).  Two new emerging technologies may soon make the use of oil obsolete, thereby making the Middle East just another place that will have no bearing on our lives, kind of like Alaska.What are these technologies?  The first one was showcased this part week at the Geneva Motor Show, and it is a solar car, called the Quant, from Swedish automaker Koenigsegg that uses pyrite as a solar panel that could potentially convert up to 50% of the energy in the sun’s rays into electricity.  Current solar panels are only able to convert about 8%.  And for those of you who don’t recognize the name “pyrite,” it is better known as Fool’s Gold.

Who's the Fool now, mofo! ... I love puns.

The second technology comes from the good old U.S. of A., in the form of a new battery recharging technique developed at MIT.  The secret is to apply a new a surface coating to traditional lithium iron phosphate materials that creates a “fast-lane” for ions to provide charge to a battery.  For those that don’t speak nerd, that translates to, “This stuff makes batteries charge really fast, yo!”  How fast?  When this stuff hits the market, you’ll be able to fully charge your cell phone battery in ten seconds.  Ten seconds!  While you’re texting, “OMG LOL,” you’ll get four bars.

Combine these two, and you get a car that runs on the sun and can charge ridiculously quickly.  That means no more going to the gas station.  That means that you can put some solar panels on the roof of your house and charge up a battery during the day that could heat/cool your house for the entire night.  And it is one hundred percent renewable.  Run out of juice?  Just wait until the sun shines and you’re all set.

The Sun: So much easier to do business with than people in the Middle East. And it doesn't try to kill you...yet.

Once we have these technologies on the open market, we can stop caring about the Middle East.  Now, some of you may be saying that we care about the Middle East because we want to promote democracy and make the world safe for everybody, but that’s a load of hippie bullcrap.  Oh, you care so much about the Middle East and all the people over there?  How about the people living next door to you?  What are their names and professions?  You’re stumped, right?  That’s because you only care about the Middle East because they are supplying you with a fix for an addiction.  If you’re addicted to meth, then you’re going to care about your dealer and the price fluctuations of the market.  If you’re not, then it doesn’t matter.  See how easy that is?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran. You won't have to care about him soon, but that cheeky bastard should still put on a tie. I'm pretty sure Iran doesn't have Casual Friday.

One last thing:  these technologies have an added bonus.  All those people rattling their sabers about saving the planet will have to shut up for a while.  No more Al Gore documentaries, and no more celebrities claiming how Earth-friendly they are by driving a Prius from their giant mansion to the $8-per-latte cafe down the street.  Come to think of it, that may be better than that whole Middle East thing…