Defense Secretary Robert Gates has proposed drastic cuts to defense spending in areas deemed “conventional warfare,” and increased funding for more “unconventional” programs that will make the military better equipped to handle the dangers of fighting insurgencies and terrorists. Some members of Congress say that Robert “Fancy-pants” Gates doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.
Bush-appointed Defense Secretary Robert Gates is so good at his job that Obama didn't get rid of him. He obviously doesn't know what he's doing.
The position that Gates is taking is pretty simple: we have an assload of bombs and nukes that will deter any full-scale conflict like that fought in World War II, so money would be better spent on things like vehicles designed to withstand explosions from improvised road mines that the military encounters in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the people opposing this is John Cornyn a Republican Senator from Texas (I don’t know much about Sen. Cornyn, so let’s just assume that he’s white).
Sen. John Cornyn, as painted by Rene Magritte
Cornyn recently gave a speech at the American Enterprise Institute (which, totally unexpectedly, is a conservative policy think-tank), where he warned that China, Russia, North Korea, and Iran posed threats to the United States. So, let’s take this step by step and see how a conventional war would play out against any of these nations:
- China: Seriuosly? Come on, as I’ve mentioned before, China basically owns half of the United States right now by holding our debt. China starting a war with the U.S. is like a landlord starting a war with one of his tenants and firebombing his own building. Nothing to worry about here.
- Russia: Russia is a threat to the U.S. the same way that leg-warmers are a threat to fashion. Both lost all steam in the eighties. Besides, they’re way too occupied killing journalists who oppose their government and trying to take over Georgia (the country, not the state) and Chechnya.
- North Korea: Yes, they are developing nuclear weapons, but their economy has all the viability of a rabid dog. They just bark a lot and threaten to bite you if you don’t give them food and oil aid packages. Not to mention that all the money goes into the military while the North Korean people basically starve. You want to fight a war with North Korea? Stop sending them food and they’ll give up in a week or two.
- Iran: Okay, this one seems kind of like a potential threat. Until, of course, you actually learn anything about the country. Yes, they do have a Muslim cleric as their main leader, but when it comes to countries in the Middle East, these guys are the most similar to our Western way of life. They have some of the finest universities in the world, they are very sophisticated, and a few years time could see them being out best buddies. The U.S.-Iran relationship right now is like the beginning of a romantic comedy. At first we hate each other, but after a few horrible dates, some Julia Roberts, a dash of Meg Ryan, and a tearful reunion in an airport just as she’s about to get on the plane, we’ll be together for life.
U.S.-Iran relations are kind of like this, but are we the businessman or the whore? Time will tell.
So that does it. Cornyn is talking out of his ass because my analytical skills just shot down his entire argument. The scariest thing, though, is that my points are probably based on more solid facts and reasoning than his, because he’s worried that the $255,920,123,107 awarded to defense contractors in Texas from 2000-2008 might dry up.