These are tough times and there is little to laugh about. The once rosy future, a mere glimpse of which would incite whimsical grins, has been replaced by a barren hell-scape where the venerable financial institutions of old have been turned into merciless zombies, roaming the land with an unquenchable thirst for bailouts brains. But there is one man of selflessly puts the needs of his countrymen in front of his own, deposed governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich.
Rod Blagojevich- He's even more charming in color.
And what has our darling Rod done now in his quest to keep the American populace happy? Well, without any regard for his own well-being, Rod tried to travel to a jungle in Costa Rica so that he could participate in the latest edition of the hit mildly successful reality show I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! But, the federal judge who will be presiding over Mr. Blagojevich’s upcoming corruption trial, who will be heretofore referred to as Judge Buzzkill, apparently thought that he shouldn’t be allowed out of the country.
Judge Buzzkill - He disapproves of constitutional violations, defendants participating in reality TV shows, and dancing.
Rod just wanted to help out. When all the cable news channels are talking about financial doom and gloom, Rod just wanted to give people a taste of Costa Rican jungle hijinks. Is that so wrong? And if Rod happened to be crowned “King of the Jungle” and take home a cool $123,000, that’d just be gravy. In fact, you know what, I just realized that Rod being on this reality show would actually help the economy. Hear me out…
First, Rod goes on the TV show. There is no way that with his hair he will lose. I mean, come on. Look at that shock of perfectly-groomed beautiful on top of his head. In a jungle, he could use that as insulation, a make-shift shelter, a rainwater collector, and fishing line. And, he’d still have plenty of hair left to form a wistful part that says, “I may be wearing a suit, but I’m really an alright guy.” Who could possibly beat him? Fellow contestant Heidi Montag from MTV’s The Hills? (Seriously, though, the word “celebrity” is in the title of the show, so what’s she doing there?)
Perfectly coiffed hairdo, or stylish motorcycle helmet? Either way, it'll protect his brain in a high-speed collision.
So once Rod takes home his prize, he’ll be back in the States just in time for his corruption trial proceedings to get underway. And if he loses (considering how much he cares for this country, he may plead guilty just to free up the court system for the rest of us), guess what money he’s going to pay to the government as a fine? Reality show money.
What Judge Buzzkill and all the other squares fail to realize is that Rod isn’t some sort of troubled politician who tries to sell important legislative appointments for top dollar, he’s really just trying to help us all out. He’s a lot like the Fonz from Happy Days. Sure, the Fonz may have seemed like a rebel because he wore tight jeans and a leather jacket, but if you ever needed help, who would jump some sharks on waterskis in order to help you out?
Rod Blagojevich, that's who.