A lot of newspapers are shutting down due to dwindling revenues, with Denver’s Rocky Mountain News being the latest. While much has been made about the lethal combination of online news sources and an ailing economy when discussing the closure of these newspapers, many are forgetting those most impacted: the homeless.
Yes, there are a lot of people who will be losing their jobs when these papers shut down, and you could say that their lives and livelihoods depend on newspapers, but they don’t depend on newspapers the way homeless people do. When a reporter is out of a job, he looks to another newspaper or an online venue to utilize his skills, but when a homeless person can’t get newspaper to shove inside their clothing to use as insulation, they freeze to death. Which is worse, bemoaning your job loss over a glass of red wine, or freezing to death on a Denver park bench? That’s what I thought.
"I'd be much warmer if I had the sports section shoved inside my underwear."
Now a lot of you are probably thinking I’m being a bit crass, but that is a non-issue. Since homeless people lack a crucial requirement for owning a home computer (hint: it’s the “home”), I think I’m pretty safe from their ire.
Also, those who would be angry at me for my statements are the very cause of the problem. You see, it’s common knowledge that liberals control the media (reference: Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh). Since liberals control every aspect of the media, they must in turn control the internet, which is displacing traditional newspapers. So, it is under the direction of liberals that these newspapers are no longer viable and must shut down, hence, liberals want homeless people in Denver to freeze to death. If you don’t follow that argument, just trust me. After all, I once thought about taking a logic class in college, making me more credible than most others weighing in on the issue.
"Hmm. Maybe Denver in February isn't the best place for a homeless guy like me..." - Future Human Popsicle
So what’s to be done about the issue? Well, as is so often the case, the American economy adjusts to supply and demand. If everything keeps going like it is now, U.S. currency will soon be more valuable as insulation than as a means of trade, fixing the problem. Of course, that will create more homeless people, which will drive up demand for insulation, but I’m sure that the market will correct for that. And by correct, I mean drive the world into a Mad Max-esque wasteland where roving bands of homeless people ride around in souped up shopping carts engaging in epic battles.