Last week in Stamford, CT, a 200-pound chimpanzee escaped from its owners, mauled a woman, and was then killed by police. Now this sort of thing is not normally fertile grounds for any sort of comedy or tomfoolery, but what happened yesterday in the House of Representatives surely is.
The House voted to ban the interstate trade of apes and monkeys. Okay, considering last week’s events that seems reasonable, what’s the big deal? The measure passed with a vote of 323 to 95. 95?!? Are there really 95 members of the House who think that selling monkeys across state lines is a great idea and should remain legal? Come on, these things are wild animals.
"I will devour your soul"
Now, not wanting to jump to conclusions, I thought that maybe those 95 against the measure had some valid reasons. Maybe they really like zoos and don’t want to create all sorts of hurdles and roadblocks for zookeepers. And maybe they approve of the use of monkeys in scientific tests and want to keep scientists happy. Those are good reasons to vote against, right?
Oh, wait, the measure already took that into account and allows for the transportation and sale of apes and monkeys across state lines for zoos, researchers, and disabled people. Disabled People? Normally I fear becoming disabled in some tragic accident, but the prospect just got a silver lining.
Way cooler than a wheelchair. Just hope he never turns on you.
So, long story short, there are 95 people in the House of Representatives who approve interstate monkey trade on general principle. After all, what could go wrong? It’s not like a chimpanzee would team up with some other ferocious killing machine…
The chimpanzee/tiger duo is the most deadly of Mother Nature's tag teams.
A chimpanzee and a tiger fighting side-by-side? Suddenly the economy doesn’t seem all that scary anymore.