You Can Now Drink Urine Without The Social Stigma!

by Josh Calkins on May 22, 2009

It has been a long time coming.  Ever since I saw the movie Waterworld in 1995, I have been waiting for an apparatus to come along that could turn urine into drinkable water.  Oh, Kevin Costner, are you a ruggedly handsome movie star, or a prophet?  Astronauts aboard the International Space Station started drinking their own pee this week, and President Kennedy’s Space Race has truly been won.

Kevin "Nostradamus" Costner

Kevin "Nostradamus" Costner in Waterworld

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Defense Secretary Robert Gates has proposed drastic cuts to defense spending in areas deemed “conventional warfare,” and increased funding for more “unconventional” programs that will make the military better equipped to handle the dangers of fighting insurgencies and terrorists.  Some members of Congress say that Robert “Fancy-pants” Gates doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.

Bush-appointed Defense Secretary Robert Gates was so good at his job that Obama didn't get rid of him.  He obviously doesn't know what he's doing.

Bush-appointed Defense Secretary Robert Gates is so good at his job that Obama didn't get rid of him. He obviously doesn't know what he's doing.

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Catholic Church Officially Abandons Consistency, Reason

May 9, 2009

In a story 2,000 years in the making, the Catholic Church has officially abandoned all semblance of consistency and reason.  Many thought that the Church had adopted this position in the year 1633, when famed astronomer went to trial for heresy for championing the idea that Earth revolved around the Sun.  The Church, instead of [...]

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Rod Blagojevich Selflessly Keeps Americans’ Spirits Up

April 22, 2009

These are tough times and there is little to laugh about.  The once rosy future, a mere glimpse of which would incite whimsical grins, has been replaced by a barren hell-scape where the venerable financial institutions of old have been turned into merciless zombies, roaming the land with an unquenchable thirst for bailouts brains.  But [...]

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Tax-Day Tea Parties Protest Taxes, Neglect History

April 16, 2009

All across the nation, there were Tea Parties held on April 15th, the tax deadline.  These gatherings were meant to be a symbolic re-enactment of the famous 1773 Boston Tea Party.  The spontaneous, grassroots, Fox News-orchestrated events were supposed to be a way for Americans to vent their frustrations at government spending.  Too bad none [...]

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Obama Sticks To Story, Celebrates Easter

April 12, 2009

President Barack Obama and his family, despite having ascended to the White House, are still pretending to be Christian.  As Fox News and talk radio hosts informed the American people during the recent election cycle, Barack Obama is in fact a secret Muslim, but he is really sticking to his cover by celebrating Easter.

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Reigning MVP Earns Merit Badge

April 11, 2009

Here’s the second preview article from FakeSportsNews.com, which will be launching shortly.  Written by two of the co-founders, Dan O’Brien and Adam Chaney, this article explores what happens when a star infielder for the Boston Red Sox fully embraces his hobbies off the field.

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Immigration Officials Face Sgt. Slaughter

April 9, 2009

It would seem that being able to read a map and find directions to a certain house are not skills that are required of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officers.  Five armed and armored ICE officers in San Luis, Arizona went out on a raid one day last July to pick up a dangerous illegal [...]

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Detroit Lions Unveil “Rope-A-Dope” Strategy

April 4, 2009

Over the past 50 years, the Detroit Lions football team has only had 16 winning seasons, but that’s all part of the plan according to a statement released by the franchise’s management.  After the departure of all-star quarterback Bobby Layne in 1958, the Lions went on a losing streak.  At first, the owners were worried [...]

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Russian Human Rights Advocate Severely Beaten With Irony Stick

April 2, 2009

A great victory has been achieved, comrades.  A vile threat to the safety of Mother Russia has been neutralized by the righteous hand of Justice.  And by Justice, I of course mean a group of men with a propensity towards violence, and by vile threat, I mean human rights advocate Mr. Lev A. Ponomaryov.

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